“I don’t know”!

 

I have heard this sentence millions of times throughout my life, truthfully, I’ve probably said it myself a few hundred thousand times myself. But I did not choose to become so proficient at doing this, I was just telling the truth. I always strive to be better at being useful in the dissemination of information than this, but there are definitely times when I am not ready to hear it being said to me. PTSD therapy is way up on the list!

 

I have been curtailed by a few things in my life, not to be whiny, but some of these things have been unfair, and these are usually based on a person’s refusal to see the human being with whom he or she is dealing. I was blessed in that I had a close family dynamic. Mom and dad loved me, and I had many others who were right along side of them in this regard.

 

Death; was the reality kick in the butt for me as a youngster. I understood that this death “thing” was something which was unavoidable, but its timing made me angry. I was disconnected from my most effective teachers: my grandmother, my grandfathers, my great grandmother; it was insultingly intrusive in my way of thinking at the time. I have to admit that I don’t feel less so today, I try to be more mature in my response. I fail, from time to time.

 

My concern to understand the shadows, to always focus on the darkness which seemed to be hiding something from my sight, I had to know what was there, even if it hurt me. I thought that I was breaking new ground here. I, of course, was incorrect in assuming my exclusivity to this superior analytical position, I moved on.

 

But somewhere, a place at where I am searching to find, the story took a turn into a direction for which I had no way to prepare: I woke up, and it was all different and it was all confusing to me. My family makeup changed, one was missing from the daily routine, not dead, but not there, and I wanted, no, I needed the normalcy back. I did not want to deal with the absence, I was safe in the normalcy of what had always been what was the historically normal of my life. As a kid, I liked normal, because that left me room outside of the house, to do abnormal things, home… was safe.

 

I was a young guy, about seven or so when I had my first weird experience with the opposite anatomically structured biological identity. I saw a relative naked, by accident, because when I knocked on the door and waited for an answer, no one ever did, so I opened the door, and there she was, just standing there, on the phone. When she saw me, she laughed, and said to “come on in”. I was actually hoping that she would yell at me to get out or something like that, but no, she did the total opposite.

I won’t name anyone, except that she wanted me to touch her, and it frightened me. I ran out, and after the incident, I was never able to look her in the face again. This event made me a bit shy around females because she did not yell at me. Imagine a seven-year-old, wanting for an adult to yell at him: weird.

 

I felt that I was wrong, but I was also confused because I was taught to respect the privacy of individuals and that it was against God for me to look at a naked person who was not me. My relative ran the train off of the tracks for me on this. It followed me, until even today.

 

I am leading into a direction, and I hope you will bear with me, if I do so in a bit longer amount of time, than just one blurted out summarization because the story is still in the process of playing itself forward, it is not to the last page yet.

 

I wanted to hear my first therapist offer me some indication of her ability to help me navigate through this minefield in which I had sudden;y awakened to find myself in, and she saif the three words, which demoralized my ability to expect anything of worthwhile from our association: “I don’t know”.

 

To you, my fellow sufferers and fighters of this condition: if you are on the edge, contact anyone from this site, we’re all experiencing the effects and we have the perspective to at least understand your fears and your doubts.
For the sake of those of us who are here, we NEED you!

 

I will pray for all, you have a brother in me, I am not a perfect person, but I’ll try my hardest to help you. Don’t exterminate your significance, your light is necessary.

 

Peace and patience let God comfort you. That’s why people like Kate and Sue, are in our lives.

 

God-love, to everyone!

 

 

 

Christopher is the author of this blog.  You can follow him on Twitter at @freeplay41.  This blog first appeared on PTSDchat.org.

 

 

 

Image credit: http://armyreservistwife.blogspot.com/